The early stages of dating are fraught times.
While they can be full of excitement and intense feelings of happiness, until you know someone well, you also can’t know for sure what’ll make them change their minds about you.
Whether you’re having a first conversation after matching on a dating app or you’re going on your second or third in-person date together, before your interactions solidify into a real relationship, there’s still lots of time to turn someone off by doing or saying the wrong thing.
And, if you talk to people who date men, they’ll tell you that guys often seem like they’re jumping at the chance to put their foot in their mouths.
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So in order to help you avoid the most common pitfalls when it comes to dating conversation turnoffs, AskMen spoke to a handful of dating experts, as well as people who date men. Here’s what they had to say:
It can be hard to get over an ex-partner for a variety of reasons, but if you’re trying to date someone new, your ex should come up rarely, if ever, especially leading up to and during a first date.
Whether you’re talking about your ex in an overly positive or overly negative light, it’s hard for someone new to feel good about the connection they could be building with you if you keep highlighting the fact that you haven’t fully moved on.
“Comparing oneself to an ex and highlighting their flaws is not conducive to building a healthy connection,” says Rachel Goldberg, LMFT, founder of Rachel Goldberg Therapy in Los Angeles, CA. “For instance, saying, ‘I’m glad to see you keep your living room clean because my ex was always messy’ creates unnecessary comparison and negativity.”
Talking about your ex in the early going is a big-time no-no, agrees Laura Windsor, founder of Laura Windsor Etiquette Academy.
“Especially when it’s about how great or awful their exes were,” she explains. “‘My ex-wife was a really awful person,’ ‘My last girlfriend stole my dog. She was a total freak’. It gives the impression that the date is being compared to past flames… It also says a lot about him.”
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“Being overly sexual via text before establishing a solid relationship foundation,” Goldberg says, is a huge and all-too common dating turnoff.
“For instance,” she says, “engaging in sexting prior to the first meeting or discussing how aroused they are just looking at their Tinder pics” are examples of ways guys cross that line — and while it’s likely more of a concern for women, it can be a turnoff regardless of gender.
Ultimately, sex is a fraught and potentially uncomfortable topic for many people, who don’t feel comfortable engaging in sexually charged conversations with relative strangers. Unless you’re on a hookup-oriented app, taking your time before getting to that kind of conversation is usually the right move.
It’s no secret that confidence is seen as a desirable and sexy trait. But there’s a line between confidence and arrogance, and lots of guys confidently arrogantly stroll right over to the wrong side.
This could look like mansplaining, playing “devil’s advocate,” correcting the other person or just trying to dominate the conversation in any way. It’s not debate club — it’s a date.
One step past being overly sure of yourself is spending a lot of time actively talking about how great you are. Many guys seem to be under the impression that a date is like a job interview and they’re there to sell themselves as a potential candidate for sex and/or romance.
But that mindset completely ignores the reality that the person you’re talking to is not being paid for their time screening you; they’re trying to spend time interacting with you, and the one way that can be fun for them is if you help make it an enjoyable experience.
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“Someone who talks incessantly about himself” is a definite turnoff, says Windsor. “It’s interesting to a point then it just becomes boring.”
Even if you’re more successful than the other person, good conversation is about give-and-take, not a one-way street.
“While confidence in a male is attractive, constantly needing to prove it by boasting about workouts, vacations, or material possessions reeks of desperation for admiration,” Goldberg notes.
On that note, numbers in particular can be a sticking point.
It makes sense — lots of the way masculine success is conceived of in contemporary culture is through the lens of finances. How much do you make? What expensive products do you own? What’s your net worth?
But while these might be great fodder for conversations among similarly ambitious friends, in a dating context, they’re often seen as a distinct turnoff.
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“Bragging about how much you earn, your house or your car particularly if it’s to impress your date,” says Windsor. “Asking about a date’s income is also inappropriate. Those who possess good qualities and assets don’t feel the need to brag. It’s the ones who talk a lot who have something to hide.”
On the flip side, talking about money doesn’t have to be a brag for it to feel iffy to a date.
“Discussing prices in either extreme can send off the wrong message,” says Goldberg.
For instance, she notes, “complaining about the high prices on the menu” could convey “a sense of excessive frugality.”
What’s that about complaining? Early on, people typically want to associate a date, match or crush with positive thoughts and feelings, so being overly negative can be a deal-breaker for many.
“A guy who starts complaining about things or gossips about others, whether it is his coworkers and bosses or about the venue or restaurant service,” says Windsor. “He risks being seen more as a whiner than a winner!”
While lots of people have dark senses of humor or appreciate a little ribbing with their flirting, joking about inappropriate stuff or ragging on the other person’s interests can turn their perception of you into one primarily based on negativity.
Similarly, even if it’s not talking about your ex, going into detail about past traumas or grief can be too much, too soon.
Early on in a dating relationship “isn’t the time to learn about how awful your childhood was,” says Windsor.
“Leave the family skeletons in the closet — at least for now!”
While being vulnerable and sharing sometimes unpleasant details about your past and inner life is part of the foundation of building a strong and intimate relationship over time, in the early going, it can be a seriously unpleasant experience to be on the other side of.
It’s a common refrain that going on dates with men can be an exercise in hearing about their lives and not getting much of a chance to talk about your own.
If you’re too busy being confident, boastful, bragging or complaining, you’ll never take a moment to ask the other person about their perspective.
The silver lining here? Because so many guys fail at this basic aspect of dating back-and-forth, you can seriously impress some people just by doing them the courtesy of inquiring about their thoughts and feelings.
RELATED: How Listening & Asking Questions Makes You Way Sexier
Is there any bigger turnoff than someone making you feel like you’re barely worth their time?
“When we’re not fully present in a conversation, it signals to the other person that we’re not engaged,” says Magda Kay. “To invite deep, honest conversation, show the person that you’re fully present and committed to listening. Being distracted or interrupting the conversation sends the message that you’re not invested, which can deter them from opening up.”
That means, of course, that, if you’re talking in person, your phone is out of sight — unless you’re specifically using it to show the other person something.
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Digitally, this could mean taking steps to ensure you’re not distracted while chatting (such as switching on some version of Do Not Disturb that’ll block out notifications from other apps), or clearly communicating when you’ll be stepping away for a time so the other person isn’t left hanging.
Of course, what’s boring to one person might be comfortable and normal to another; what’s outlandish and wild to one person may practically be boring to someone else. But if you’re talking to someone and trying to impress them, at least try not to be boring.
In a digital context, that could mean crafting a thoughtful opening message that specifically addresses what’s in a person’s profile; in person, it could be about asking thoughtful first-date questions.
RELATED: Best Questions to Ask Your Date
“Skip superficial questions and dive deep,” Kay suggests. “Creating a safe space for intimate conversation requires mutual openness and sharing on a deep level.”
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