It’s easy to get carried away by the excitement of a new relationship. You want to spend all the time in the world with your new partner and constantly give them affection and support. You might even be daydreaming about the possible future together, picturing what your wedding might be like or your future kids. The possibilities are endless!
But in the awesome experience of the honeymoon phase, how much time spent together is too much time?
Yes, even when everything is new and exciting and fresh, there is such a thing as spending too much time with your partner. Intense clinginess has the potential to sabotage a new relationship before it has a chance to blossom. It can cause your partner to feel suffocated and turned off, abruptly ending the relationship.
When someone is clingy, it often stems from a place of insecurity, past trauma, or self-esteem issues, says Dr. Noah Kass, DSW, LCSW of Kass Therapy & Hypnosis.
They may have developed an anxious attachment style as a child and are afraid of losing love. It causes them to latch on in their relationships to avoid feeling disappointed at another loss. These issues make them afraid of the relationship ending, which manifests in neediness, controlling, and toxic behaviors.
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Learn more about clinginess, how it comes across, and what to do if you’re concerned about being clingy in your relationship.
Clinginess is a pattern of behavior where one partner is excessively dependent on the other, explains Kass.
Some examples of clinginess might be dominating your partner’s schedule by making different plans to hang out or constantly asking for the other person’s input, or reassurance about themselves or the relationship.
In other cases, a clingy partner might push aggressively to advance the relationship, rushing into labels like “girlfriend,” “boyfriend,” or “fiancé(e),” adds Kass, or demand exclusivity or monogamy before their partner is ready to commit to that.
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If the partner disagrees or retreats, the clingy person may get anxious as the fear of abandonment begins to feel like it’s right around the corner, he adds.
While clinginess is associated with words jealousy and toxicity, it’s often rooted in the person’s insecurities.
“The clinger may have deep-seated insecurities, past trauma, or self-esteem issues, all of which make them inordinately fearful of the relationship ending,” adds Kass.
Exhibiting clingy behaviors usually results in the partner on the receiving end feeling suffocated and overwhelmed in the relationship, explains Kass.
For example, some partners may feel rushed to move too quickly in the relationship or feel guilty for not expressing or feeling their love the same way their partner does. They can also feel a lack of trust in the union, because their partner isn’t able to accept their love for what it is.
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“This overwhelming need for validation creates an imbalance [in the relationship],” says Kass.
Over time, the person might give in to their partner’s clingy behaviors and try to match up their intensity, which can feel exhausting. The underlying imbalance can cause the relationship to be less fun and spontaneous, and at some point, the person on the receiving end may realize they’re sacrificing their personal wants for the partner’s needs.
“The more independent partner may feel suffocated by excessive attention and affection, become resentful, and withdraw,” adds Kass.
According to Kass, some people know that they’re acting clingy (thanks to previous partners who pointed it out) but feel unable to stop. However, most people are unaware of their clingy behavior, mistaking their actions for being attentive and caring.
You’re probably thinking, ‘But being caring and attentive are attributes of a good partner.’ Yes, but Kass warns that there’s a fine line. Below are some ways clinginess can manifest in relationships:
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First off, as tempting as it is to seek validation from your partner, don’t rely on them, suggests Kass. Instead, talk things out with a therapist.
As Kass mentioned, clinginess can be rooted in insecurities or past traumas. Speaking with a therapist or other licensed medical professional can help you process those feelings and give you tools to improve your self-confidence, particularly if this is a case of an attachment style tied to deep-rooted fears and psychological pain.
If you can’t see a therapist, try journaling your behaviors to identify what triggers you to act clingy and then manage them from there. When you improve your self-confidence, it’ll be easier to manage negative feelings such as jealousy and allow you to rely less on your partner for reassurance. Thus, your relationship confidence will grow.
It’s also important to build a life outside of dating, explains Kass. For example, make plans with friends for a night out or pursue a hobby or passion to keep you busy. Also, try to stick to what you did pre-relationship, whether hitting the gym every morning or going to happy hour with your co-workers.
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Having that structure will remind you that there’s more to your life outside of your relationship and gives you an opportunity to really appreciate your partner once you’re together.
Lastly, manage your expectations for relationships, as they’re not a one-size-fits-all all, suggests Kass.
People give and receive love differently as well as have different needs. Talking to your partner about how they like to be loved and what they value can help you set a baseline for what each of you need in the relationship.
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