Have you ever been to couples therapy?
It’s a question that may not have gotten many positive responses a decade or two ago, but that’s changing fast.
According to a 2023 survey conducted by VeryWell Mind, about 37% of adults have been to couples therapy at some point in their lives — and a whopping 99% of them claim it’s had a positive impact on their relationship. Experts agree that counseling can have a slew of benefits for couples — no matter what stage of their relationship they’re in, or what problem they’re currently facing.
But let’s be real: Talking to a stranger about your relationship issues may feel nerve-wracking, especially if you’ve never seen a therapist before. You might wonder how to figure out what type of therapy will be most beneficial for you, what kinds of exercises you’ll do during sessions, and which specific skills you’ll learn.
Whether you’re just in the beginning stages of considering couples therapy or in dire need of some help, here’s some vital info from counselors themselves about what to expect from couples therapy.
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There are lots of valid reasons to seek professional relationship counseling, such as:
According to Hulse, many couples wrongly assume that they should only pursue therapy when they’re having significant problems or are deeply unhappy in the relationship.
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“Oftentimes, we picture two people going to couples therapy as a last-ditch effort to save their relationship, but in some of those cases, the relationship is already unsalvageable,” she explains. “Couples therapy can be a preventative measure, where you meet for an hour a week and work on ways to continue progressing forward together in the relationship.”
That said, experts say there are also situations in which you can probably work your issues out on your own. According to Allen Sung, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and CEO of Huntington Psychological Services, you might not necessarily need to seek couples therapy if:
“Take the time to reflect on the issue, discuss it calmly with your partner, and explore potential solutions together,” says Hulse. “However, when these conflicts become repetitive or draining on your mental health, you should consider couples’ therapy.”
The bottom line? Couples therapy may not be necessary in certain situations — but it certainly is unlikely to hurt.
There are many different approaches to couples therapy — and finding the right one for you depends on your specific relationship issues and goals. Keep in mind that many couples therapists will blend modalities, so that you can reap the benefits of several different types.
With that in mind, here’s what to know about some of the more common approaches:
If you and your partner are having trouble recognizing and expressing your feelings in a healthy way, EFT could be helpful.
According to Moore, this modality aims to help couples understand the underlying emotions driving their relationship conflicts, and furthermore, to rewire their emotional responses so they can establish a stronger and more secure bond.
“It helps couples understand the sources of underlying feelings that may be
affecting their relationships, such as fear, anger, sadness, or anxiety,” explains Sung. “EFT also helps partners learn to validate each other’s experiences and respond
with empathy.”
Getting stuck in the same unhelpful thought patterns can negatively impact your behavior in a relationship — which can then fuel further issues.
For example, let’s say your partner often leaves dishes in the sink, and every time they do, you assume that means they expect you to pick up after them.
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That might breed resentment, which could cause you to act hostile toward your partner, causing them to become defensive. CBCT seeks to help you change those negative thought patterns so you can handle things differently, says Avigail Lev, PsyD, founder and director at the Bay Area CBT Center.
According to Moore, CBCT is especially helpful for improving communication and conflict resolution.
This approach focuses on how your childhood experiences might be affecting your relationship. Lev says this modality is particularly beneficial for those who have experienced trauma, as it allows couples to explore their unresolved childhood wounds in a safe space.
“IRT helps partners understand how their past experiences have influenced the
way they interact with each other in the present,” explains Sung. “It emphasizes
understanding and respecting one another’s differences, learning to compromise, and communicating honestly and openly about difficult topics.”
Whether you’re interested in building trust, learning healthier communication skills, or fostering shared meaning in your long-term relationship, you might benefit from this method — which was devised by renowned researchers/psychologists Drs. John and Julie Gottman.
“It emphasizes creating strong relationships between partners by building a shared understanding of each other’s needs and desires,” says Sung. “The goal is to increase empathy and friendship while managing conflict in a healthy way.
If you’re hoping to dig deep into past traumas and childhood experiences, this short-term, goal-oriented approach might not be for you. According to Hulse, SFT emphasizes identifying your present problems, and — as the name suggests — finding workable, realistic solutions as quickly and efficiently as possible.
“This type of couples therapy looks at each partner’s story and helps them understand how their beliefs and values can lead to better communication,” Sung tells AskMen. “It helps couples understand the impact of their stories on their relationship and how they can work together to create new, healthier narratives about themselves and each other.”
If you’re at a crossroads in your relationship, and trying to figure out whether or not you should stay together, discernment counseling can help you make that decision.
“Discernment counseling can also be used when a couple wants to assess how serious their issues are and how much work they are willing to put into trying to save their relationship,” adds Sung.
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Your experience in couples therapy can vary a lot depending on the provider and the techniques they use. However, Moore says the first session is generally focused on gathering information by:
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Something to be aware of: A couples therapist will often assign “homework” in between appointments, which is aimed at reinforcing the work done in sessions,. According to Moore, Lev, and Sung, these assignments may include:
“These homework assignments play an important role in couples therapy,” says Lev. “Research shows that couples who follow through with homework assignments are more likely to benefit from couples therapy.”
“While couples therapy can be highly beneficial for many couples, its effectiveness depends on factors such as the commitment of both partners, the severity of the issues, the compatibility of the individuals involved, and the skills and expertise of the therapist,” says Lev.
There are also cases in which couples therapy might not be financially feasible — for example, if one or both partners don’t have health insurance to help cover some of the costs.
Fortunately, experts say there are lots of other ways to work on your relationship at home, including:
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