Dating with intention is a great start. But future-proofing can be an even smarter way to approach your love life – and, it turns out, it’s more of a timeless approach than a passing trend.
According to Bumble, 95% of singles say that their worries about the future are impacting who and how they date.
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“Future-proofing is focusing on values, shared visions and goals as well as making emotional security a top priority in a relationship,” says licensed marriage and family therapist Aimee Evnin-Bingham.
So, what does future-proofing actually mean while dating, and how can it help improve your love life? Here’s what you need to know.
“In my work with high-achieving men, I define future-proofing as dating from a place of deeper compatibility rather than just ego or survival instinct,” says relationship coach Katarina Polonska. “It means you’re aware of what markers dictate a long-term relationship’s success, and you optimize for those. And yes, they may be incompatible with your typical ‘wants’.”
Practically speaking, future-proofing is about getting clear on what you need, having vulnerable conversations early on and making intentional choices while dating, like ending a relationship early because of communication struggles.
From breaking patterns that hold you back to learning to learning to prioritize the right things, the process of future-proofing your relationships can benefit you for years to come.
Ready to start future-proofing your love life? Here’s how to go about it to make the most of the process.
Before you date anyone, turn your focus to yourself.
“Spend time creating a list of personal values, goals and visions you have for your future,” suggests Evnin-Bingham. Then, make a new list where you separate needs like craving autonomy in a relationship versus preferences, such as having a similar sense of humor.
“Being able to discern whether something is a need — meaning a boundary or dealbreaker — versus a preference, something that you’d like but don’t need to be fulfilled, can help you categorize what you want in a long-term relationship,” adds Evnin-Bingham.
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Keep in mind that preferences can change, says Polonska, whether needs tend to be more static: “For example, do you need emotional depth? Reassurance? Until you identify these clearly, you’ll miss the mark of what you’re really seeking in a relationship and what makes you happy long-term.”
“Clear your own baggage and date for the right reasons,” Polonska says.
If you’re still reeling from your last breakup or you haven’t addressed your fears of abandonment in therapy, it will be harder to date consciously and you might end up choosing partners who feel familiar for the wrong reasons.
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Also, get honest with yourself about your reasons for dating. Are you truly looking for partnership?
“Don’t date because you’re bored, burnt out or needing escape,” Polonska adds.
Future-proofing your relationships isn’t only a means of protecting yourself from romantic hurt. It’s a means of creating a relationship that’s built to last, and that only works if you’re entering dating from the right state of mind.
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Once you start going on dates, it’s time to assess potential connections with a future-proofing lens.
“Ask deep meaningful questions — don’t be afraid to ask questions that align with your values or goals,” suggests Evnin-Bingham.
Questions like, “What does a great relationship look like to you long-term?” or “How do you usually handle conflict in relationships?” can take the conversation to a deeper place and lead to enlightening answers.
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You can also ask yourself questions to determine if a relationship is future-proof. Polonska recommends reflecting on the following ones:
However, Evnin-Bingham says that you shouldn’t be surprised if nobody meets all requirements: ”No one is perfect! Try to focus on three values, one goal and one shared vision that you want a person to align with.”
The goal isn’t to find perfection as much as to focus on what truly matters. Do a bit of inner work, lead with vulnerability and you’ll give yourself the best shot at finding a connection that stands the test of time.
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