Sometimes in a relationship, you’re not sure how to phrase a delicate subject or tricky topic. Sure, saying nothing at all is easy, but avoiding the subject doesn’t do anyone any good. Awkward Conversations provides you with a template for what to say — and what not to say — and why, so you can have those difficult discussions without them turning into full-blown fights.
It happens to the best long-term relationships. You’ve found your groove, and suddenly, weekend nights with your partner are spent on the couch watching Netflix reality shows instead of having sex on every available surface. In fact, you can’t remember the last time you had sex. Was it in fall? Or even further back?
The problem with bringing it up is that it can hurt your partner. By saying, “We don’t have sex anymore,” it can seem blunt and painful by accusing her of withholding sex. You have to approach the subject with tact and delicacy! Luckily, it’s possible to talk about your sexual needs without being hurtful. Here’s how:
Instead of asking her why you two don’t have sex anymore, find out how she feels! It’s very possible she feels your sex life is lacking too, and hasn’t been initiating sex for some reason. Phrase it thoughtfully as this will signal to her that you’re being considerate, not selfish.
If she brings it up herself, this is the perfect segue into an effective, good talk about your sex life, and what you can do to repair it.
This kind of statement can feel like a direct attack. You’re putting all the blame on her, implying that she’s the only thing holding up your sex life. That’s rarely the case, as it’s usually much more complicated than that. Assumptions will only lead to her getting defensive (or snappy) in return.
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Don’t talk about your frustrations like they only affect you. Chances are she’s not feeling great about it, either! She’s probably been wondering what you think of the situation, and by being aggressive, you’re just confirming her worst fears. Instead, try:
Emphasize that this is a team effort. Your sex life is something both of you are responsible for! Both partners have to be committed to getting their sex life back on track.
Maybe she hasn’t been feeling her sexiest lately. Maybe she’s been depressed because she feels unfulfilled at work. Maybe she thinks you don’t want her anymore. There’s any number of reasons why her sex drive could be shot! You won’t find out unless you gently ask. Let her know she can be honest without judgment.
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You can help her do this by being equally honest about your own feelings. Tell her you miss her without making it seem like you’re only interested in sex.
Sometimes, your sex life can hit a wall because nobody’s making any effort in the relationship. Even if you two don’t find each other as sexy as you used to in the beginning, this is fixable. Don’t let the conversation devolve into a fault-finding argument.
There are so many tiny issues that can lead to two people not having sex. Don’t take the conversation to an ugly place by listing those! There’s zero chance that’ll end well. Instead, listen to her concerns, and instead, suggest solutions.
There’s no time for couch wallowing on Sundays. Try to institute a rule that you can’t take phones to bed. You can even surprise her with some massage oil for a sensual back rub. Something more serious, like the fact that she’s depressed at work, for example, is something that can be resolved long-term.
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Whatever it is, don’t be afraid to be spontaneous. If you act pessimistic about the nature of your sex life, why should she have any incentive to change it? Remember, this is a conversation about the future. You should stay positive about that!
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