Ask any couples therapist what people don’t understand about relationships and they’ll tell you it’s how much work it takes to maintain them.
Get a little too complacent and you might notice that distance grows between you and your partner, the spark starts to fizzle out, or things just feel stagnant. But you aren’t powerless — there are so many couples exercises you can do that may improve communication, aid in conflict resolution, and build intimacy.
“We don’t enter relationships with all the knowledge of our partner’s needs, wants, and desires,” explains Domenique Harrison, LMFT, LPCC, founder of The Racial Equity Therapist. “We often enter into each relationship with things we don’t know, things unresolved, feelings of disillusionment and resentment, anxiety, depression, trauma, and so much more.”
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“To thrive in your relationship for a long time,” Harrison adds, “it’s essential to turn towards each other, ask about each others’ dreams, and have the challenging — yet rewarding — conversations that lead to growth.”
Whether fights with your partner have turned downright unhealthy or you’re just looking for ways to deepen your emotional bond, couples therapy can be an excellent option. That said, it’s not always accessible for everyone.
Fortunately, experts say the exercises below can have many of the same benefits as a couples therapy session. The best part? You don’t even have to leave your house to try them.
A lot of conflicts escalate simply because you and your partner aren’t actually hearing each other. When you’re more focused on what you’re going to say next than listening to your partner, misunderstandings are more likely to happen. If that’s something you’re currently struggling with in your relationship, try this exercise, says Abbey Sangmeister, a licensed professional counselor and founder of Evolving Whole Life Coaching.
Here’s how to do it:
According to Alexandra Carone, a licensed therapist at Something Soulful Psychotherapy, this exercise is ideal for couples who may be feeling unheard or unseen, because it encourages understanding, validation, and empathy.
Eye contact is incredibly powerful. In fact, studies have found that eye contact increases intimacy, among many other social and relational benefits.
For these reasons, Mongno recommends setting aside 5 minutes or so to try this exercise.
“Quietly with each other in a place with no distractions,” says Mongno. “Sit across from each other and begin looking into each other’s eyes. Do not speak or touch each other. Just keep looking and allowing yourself to be seen.”
Notice how you feel. Nervous and jittery? Calm and relaxed? Do your feelings evolve from the beginning of the exercise to the end? Do you have the urge to look away?
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At the end of the 5 minutes, take turns sharing about your experience, and what thoughts or emotions came up.
“This can be a very intimate time of truly beholding your partner and can lead to other such moments of openness and vulnerability,” adds Mongno.
Whether you know it or not, your attachment style is one of the most significant factors that affect your behavior in a relationship. Knowing yours — as well as your partner’s — can offer super valuable insight.
Harrison recommends taking the free online quiz by the Attachment Project together.
“Most folks will take the quiz and either be surprised, accepting, resigned, or confused with their results,” she says. “I then invite couples to explore their thoughts, ask questions of me and one another, and give examples of how anxious, avoidant, disorganized, and secure styles exemplify their reactions to and interactions with one another. With greater self-awareness comes greater acknowledgment, accountability, and integrity.”
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As time passes in a relationship, Harrison says many people become less direct — often expecting their partners to know what they want and need.
“And when our partner gets our needs wrong, forgets what we asked of them, or seems not to be listening, resentment builds, we feel less connected, and we pull away,” she adds.
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Sangmeister recommends asking your partner to do something for you in a clear, specific way — and then having your partner do the same.
For example, your request might be that your partner gives you a mini massage while you’re watching TV, or kisses you before leaving for work every day.
According to Sangmeister, this exercise is a great way to practice mindfulness, assertiveness, and direct communication. It’s also a great way to get a better sense of each other’s love languages.
You might want to write these requests somewhere visible to both of you — say, on a magnetic whiteboard on the fridge — and then pick new ones every month.
Couples therapists say a common complaint they hear from clients is that their partner doesn’t seem to appreciate them — or the things they do to keep the relationship afloat.
That’s where this daily exercise comes in. Carone says it’s a great fit for couples who are taking each other for granted, or just feel disconnected.
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Here’s how it works: Every day, write down something you appreciate about each other and then place that in a jar or box. It could be something about your partner’s personality (like their ability to find humor in any situation) or a specific act they did (like doing all the laundry during your stressful work week). At the end of the week, you’ll sit down to read them together.
“Not knowing how to respond in a conflict can be one of the most common challenges in romantic relationships,” Harrison tells AskMen. “Giving couples the feedback wheel is a great way to help them speak to one another from a more grounded, supported, and resourced space.”
The feedback wheel asks four questions, says Harrison:
Harrison recommends making this a consistent practice — and you can use these prompts whether or not you’re in the middle of a conflict. In fact, if you answer these questions right when an argument starts, you may be able to prevent it from escalating.
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“Couples don’t have to be perfect with the feedback wheel, but they have to want to see the change and be more open and flexible with their partners to see the relational dynamics improve,” she adds.
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