If you’ve ever wondered why you have difficulty setting boundaries, tend to panic and become clingy when your partner pulls away, or avoid being emotionally vulnerable in your relationships, it’s well worth considering how these patterns may stem from your early childhood experiences.
This concept is the basis for attachment theory — which was developed by psychologist John Bowlby — and which focuses on how the early bond you formed with your primary caregivers may impact the way you relate to others as an adult. Experts say that understanding this theory — and more specifically, your and your partner’s “attachment style” — can offer a lot of useful insight.
”Human babies are entirely dependent on their caregivers for survival and use crying and other signals to reestablish safety and soothing during times of distress, such as following a separation, when they experience disappointment, fear, or stress,” explains Aurisha Smolarski, a licensed marriage and family therapist. “If their caregiver is available and attentive, the baby will be easily soothed and develop a secure attachment. However, if the caregiver is not consistently available, the baby will develop insecure attachment.”
According to Smolarski, your attachment patterns develop during infancy and are typically established by the time you’re just 1 year old.
“These early adaptive behavioral patterns become the blueprint of how we understand whether or not our needs will be met,” she adds. “They follow us into our adult relationships as our romantic partners become our new attachment figures.”
Attachment theory may not be able to explain or solve every problematic pattern in your relationships, but it’s certainly a key piece to the puzzle. Below, experts share how you can use attachment theory to help you navigate your relationships.
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The first step in applying attachment theory to your dating life and relationships is to determine which attachment style you have. There are four main types.
As the name suggests, people with this attachment style typically experience greater feelings of safety in their relationships. This allows them to show up in an authentic way, to be vulnerable when necessary, and to get their needs met in a healthy way.
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“Individuals with secure attachment had caregivers who consistently met their emotional and physical needs during infancy,” explains Ricky Twiggs Jr., a licensed professional counselor and founder of the Twiggs Research and Consulting Group. “As a result, they are comfortable with intimacy and independence. They trust that others will be there for them when needed and are not overly preoccupied with worries of abandonment or rejection.”
Here are some other signs that you have this attachment style, according to Smolarski and Michael Roeske, PsyD, the Senior Director for the Newport Healthcare Center for Research and Innovation:
“Those with secure attachment styles view conflicts as external problems to be solved collaboratively, not threats to the relationship,” adds Avigail Lev, founder and director at Bay Area CBT Center. “Their nervous system is balanced — they have more capacity for distress. They’re able to soothe themselves and quickly return to a state of calm.”
“Individuals with this attachment style often had caregivers who were inconsistently responsive to their needs,” says Twiggs. “As a result, they tend to be overly dependent on their partners and constantly seek reassurance and validation. They may worry about their worthiness of love and fear abandonment.”
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Lev notes that people with this style may perceive conflicts or triggers as direct threats, often blaming themselves and fearing abandonment.
Other signs of anxious attachment, according to Roeske and Smolarski, include:
“This attachment style develops when caregivers are emotionally unavailable or dismissive of the child’s needs,” says Twiggs. “Avoidant-dismissive individuals tend to be highly independent and self-reliant. They may downplay the importance of emotional intimacy and avoid getting too close to others. They often have difficulty expressing their own emotions and may have a fear of dependency on others.”
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According to Lev, Roeske, and Smolarski, here are some other signs you have this attachment style:
“This attachment style is characterized by confusion and ambivalence,” says Twiggs. “It often results from inconsistent, unpredictable, or traumatic caregiving experiences. Individuals with disorganized-disoriented attachment may exhibit contradictory behaviors in their relationships, such as seeking closeness and then pushing others away. They may have difficulty regulating their emotions and may experience inner turmoil and fear in their relationships.”
Lev, Roeske, and Smolarski say these are some other hallmark traits of the disorganized attachment style:
Something to keep in mind: According to Roeske, all of these styles exist on a spectrum that can range from mild to severe.
“And just because someone is, loosely speaking, ‘insecurely attached’ does not mean they are incapable of forming important, healthy, and long-lasting relationships,” he adds.
It’s also important to note that attachment styles are not necessarily fixed for life.
“Individuals can develop a degree of flexibility and adaptability in their attachment behaviors through self-awareness and personal growth,” says Twiggs. “Additionally, attachment styles are not strictly limited to romantic relationships; they can also impact friendships, family relationships, and other social connections.”
“Understanding your own attachment style and that of a romantic partner can provide several benefits to your relationship, such as improved communication and conflict resolution, increased empathy, and personal growth,” Roeske tells AskMen.
Let’s say you know have an anxious attachment style. Roeske says this understanding can lead you to learn new ways to express your need for reassurance.
Or, if you know your partner has an avoidant attachment style, you’re less likely to take their need for space personally or perceive it as a rejection. Instead, you can cultivate empathy for their needs while also looking for ways to ensure your own are met.
If both you and your partner have anxious attachment styles, Roeske says you may be prone to heightened emotions during disagreements.
“Understanding this, you can work together to develop strategies for minimizing conflicts and finding solutions,” he adds.
“If you have an avoidant attachment style and your partner seems to exaggerate grievances or misinterpret your intentions, you might understand that they are expressing fear and assurances of closeness, and you can approach them with patience and empathy, rather than interpreting their behavior as histrionic or theatrical,” explains Roeske.
Smolarski notes that having more empathy for your partner — and vice versa — can then allow you to find new ways to care for each other rather than continually triggering old attachment wounds.
“For example, suppose you discover your partner has avoidant tendencies and is sensitive to criticism,” she says. “You notice they often shut down during conversations if they feel you are judging them or if they fear being perceived as doing something wrong. With this awareness and understanding, you can reframe any requests you make or concerns you raise with them so you start with a positive remark or acknowledgment. You can incorporate questions instead of making demands.”
Or, if your partner has anxious-ambivalent tendencies, Smolarky says you incorporate a regular check-in during the afternoon to make sure they feel prioritized and loved.
Experts say that some attachment style combinations may experience more challenges than others. That definitely doesn’t mean these relationships are doomed to fail — but rather, that they may have more work to do in making sure they form a healthy and sustainable bond.
“Relationship success is not solely determined by attachment styles,” explains Twiggs. “Many factors, including communication skills, individual growth, compatibility, and mutual effort, play significant roles in determining the health of a relationship.”
That said, here’s what to know about the different attachment style pairings:
“It is possible for any two people, regardless of their attachment styles, to have a healthy relationship as long as they are both willing to understand their attachment wounds and traumas, and how those may be showing up in the relationship,” says Smolarski.
“I do believe a relationship can heal and become a place where partners find and develop safety, even if they did not have it within their families of origin,” she adds. “But if someone is unable to do this deep introspective work, on their own or with their partner, it will be hard to stay and maintain a healthy relationship.”
No matter your attachment style, there’s always an opportunity for growth. Here’s what each style can work on to become a better partner.
“If you resonate with secure attachment patterns, then my tip for you is to use your ability to express your needs and feelings to repair quickly when disagreements arise,” says Smolarski. “Don’t wait for your partner to initiate repair, but set up a time to talk. Incorporate regular times to connect and take turns listening and reflecting on each other’s feelings about your day. Use eye contact and nonverbal cues of safety.”
Twiggs also recommends focusing on understanding your partner’s childhood experiences and how their attachment style may differ from yours.
“A secure attachment style provides a stable base for your partner to explore and grow,” says Roeske. “Encourage their individuality and personal development and be there to support their goals and aspirations.”
According to experts, the number one thing this attachment style can work on is learning to sit with and regulate their emotions.
“Practice mindfulness techniques to become more aware of your emotional responses and to avoid reacting impulsively,” says Twiggs.
Instead of looking immediately to your partner or another outside source to soothe you, Smolarski advises looking toward yourself: “Can you provide self-compassion to all those parts of you that want to be heard and seen and loved?”
Twiggs also suggests working on building your self-esteem and self-worth independent of external validation and cultivating a sense of independence and self-sufficiency by pursuing your own interests and hobbies.
Experts agree that people who have this attachment style should focus on building awareness of their emotions — and learning ways to express them. “Start by writing down your feelings in your journal or taking notes on your phone,” says Smolarski. “Lean into asking for help, asking your partner how they feel, and sharing your thoughts and feelings. If you feel overwhelmed in a conflict, request to take a break and offer a specific time when you will be able to reconvene to continue discussing the concerns.”
It can also be helpful to dig into the underlying fears behind your avoidance of commitment and intimacy.
“Challenge yourself to become more vulnerable in your relationships,” says Twiggs. “Understand that sharing your feelings and needs with others is a sign of strength, not weakness.”
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“For someone with a disorganized attachment style, it’s helpful to recognize when they’re exhibiting avoidant tendencies versus when they’re leaning into their anxious-ambivalent patterns,” says Lev.
Given that disorganized attachment often results from unresolved past trauma, Twiggs recommends considering therapy to address these underlying issues.
“Focus on improving emotional regulation skills to manage your inner turmoil and anxiety,” he adds. “Also, work on building a sense of safety and trust in your relationships through mindfulness and relaxation techniques.”
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