Maybe you keep having the same fight over and over, or you have incompatible sex drives. Maybe you’re struggling to move past infidelity.
With long-term relationships come inevitable hiccups — and regardless of the issue at hand, couples therapy can be a lifesaver.
Not only can counseling provide a safe and neutral space for you to share your feelings and hash out your issues, but a professional therapist can also equip you and your partner with new tools and strategies you can use to strengthen your communication — and ultimately, get back on the same page.
But let’s be real: telling your partner that you want to go to therapy isn’t easy. You may be afraid they’ll flat-out reject the idea — or become offended or angry at the mere proposition.
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“Despite the shift in how we discuss mental health nowadays, there can still be a stigma around couples counseling,” says Greyson Smith, LPCC, a couples counselor in private practice. “Couples counseling is often viewed as a sign of an incompetent and failing relationship by two broken people, which is so far from the truth. Telling your partner you’d like to try couples counseling may seem like an accusation of failure and as a sign that your relationship is in shambles. What it actually means is that you are willing to change, willing to stay in the relationship, and committed to becoming a more connected couple.”
Ultimately, experts say how you broach the subject can have a big impact on whether or not your partner is receptive to the idea.
So, with that in mind, here are their top tips for bringing up the subject of couples therapy.
Across the board, therapists agree that you’re far less likely to get an enthusiastic response if you bring up the idea of couples therapy when your partner is tired, frustrated, or overwhelmed. So, avoid starting this convo right before bed, after a long work day, or just when your SO is on their way out the door — and definitely don’t try to propose couples therapy right in the middle of a fight.
Instead, social worker and sex therapist Leigh Norén, a sex therapist advises finding an opportunity when you’re both calm, relaxed, and aren’t in a rush to be anywhere so you have ample time to discuss it.
While it may seem counterintuitive to pitch couples therapy on a day or week when things are going well in your relationship, that’s your best bet, says Kevin Coleman, a licensed marriage and family therapist in private practice. When the stakes aren’t so high, the idea is less likely to have negative implications or land like a threat.
Bringing up the idea of couples therapy can send alarm bells off in your partner’s head. So, to cushion the blow — and reassure them that you’re still invested in and hopeful about this relationship — consider starting off by expressing what you do feel is working in your relationship.
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For example, you might say,
This way, your partner is less likely to see the idea of couples therapy as a negative thing — and more like a means of continuing to grow together.
If bringing up the possibility of participating in couples therapy makes you nervous, Norén suggests being open about it.
“This can be a really good icebreaker,” she explains. “It will help your partner know you’re on their side and that this might be a vulnerable topic for you, too.”
If you’re seriously considering the idea of couples therapy, odds are there’s an issue you’d like to resolve. But rather than emphasizing what’s wrong in your relationship, therapists agree it’s better to bring up the idea of counseling as part of a larger discussion about what changes you’d like to see.
Here are some examples of what they might sound like. Instead of, “You never initiate sex,” try,
Instead of, “You always work late and I can’t stand it anymore,” try,
According to Norén, it’s best to avoid words like “always” and “never” when you approach your partner about your reasoning for wanting to pursue couples therapy. These types of blanket statements sound like accusations and can put your partner instantly on the defensive.
Gaby Balsells, a clinical psychologist and couples counselor, recommends saying something like, “One of the things I love about us is that we have such a growth mindset. I am really wanting to get some support around our relationship from a therapist — Is that something that you’re open to?”
“The more you phrase it as something positive and collaborative, the more likely your partner is to see it as something they would be willing to invest time, energy, and money into,” she explains.
Remember: this should feel like a two-way conversation. So, licensed marriage and family therapist Jeanae M. Hopgood recommends giving your partner an opportunity to share their thoughts about the state of your relationship, and their initial feelings or concerns about the idea of going to couples therapy. She also advises taking responsibility for your role in any current relationship problems, so it doesn’t feel like you’re placing all the blame on your partner.
Hopgood suggests saying something along the lines of,
or
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If your partner feels like you’re ordering them to go to therapy, they may shut down and reject the idea. On the other hand, if you present it in a way that shows you value their feelings, they’re more likely to jump on board.
“Ultimatums rarely, if ever, work the way you want them to,” says Terri Bly, PsyD, a clinical psychologist and host of the podcast When Therapists Watch TV. “No one likes to be backed into a corner.”
Rather than putting pressure on your partner to decide whether or not they can agree to couples therapy, allow them some time to mull it over. You might even agree on a time to check back in — say, in a few days — to revisit the idea. And if your partner isn’t open to the idea of couples therapy, Hopgood suggests exploring why they’re resistant and listening with compassion.
Keep in mind, though, that if after digging into their fears or apprehension they still aren’t willing to go to counseling, that doesn’t mean your relationship is doomed.
Here are some other options that therapists suggest trying:
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