After a breakup, most guys deal with the same feelings of denial, loneliness, depression, and longing that women do. The only difference? They might not be as vocal or expressive about their suffering.
Time and time again, research has shown that men react to the end of a relationship a bit differently than their female counterparts. One study found that while men don’t ever fully heal from their past significant relationships, women seem to become more open to new experiences in the years following a split. Another study conducted at Binghamton University supports this notion. After assessing more than 5,700 people from 96 countries about how they got over their exes, researchers discovered that although women feel more intense emotions immediately following a split, men tended to suffer for longer than women. Perhaps prolonging their pain is due to, according to another study, men being more likely to think positively of their exes than women.
When it comes to down to emotions, leave it to men to feel a little safer expressing them to none other than total strangers on the internet. Specifically, Reddit is a goldmine of insight into what it’s like to go through a breakup as a man.
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Of course, not all men cope with the end of a relationship the same, but according to clinical psychologist Dr. Joshua Klapow, PhD, there are some general themes that tend to emerge.
Getting into that pain and emotional turmoil, here’s how a handful of guys describe their post-breakup experiences.
A 2016 study conducted by mental health charity Mind found that men are twice as likely to have no one to go to for emotional support than women. In fact, 1 in 10 men reported having no one to rely on for that kind of support, compared to just 1 in 20 women.
“When the support system is a set of other men, there is a collective similar response,” explains Klapow. “A shying away from embracing the sadness and looking for more deflecting words of support (i.e. ‘it was her fault,’ ‘she doesn’t know what she is missing,’ ‘you’re all good, man’). People need support systems that are made of others who are willing to listen, to validate, to help process. If as a male you are struggling to find male friends who will ‘sit in the sadness’ with you or friends who don’t really want to hear what you are going through, then it is time to find a different support system. These men can still be your friends, but may not be the ultimate post-breakup support system.”
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“Many men have been acculturated to not show sadness and often are fearful of the experience of intense sadness,” says Klapow. “As a result, their sadness over the breakup can manifest in feelings of frustration, anger, and resentment. Often those feelings are targeted at the woman but in reality, they are merely deflecting emotions that they feel about themselves.”
“Never hesitate to seek out professional help,” Klapow tells AskMen. “One of the biggest misconceptions people have is that seeing a mental health provider is only justified when there is a psychiatric disorder present. This is not the case. If you are distressed about the breakup and not finding support where you need it, processing the emotions with a professional may be your safest and most effective way to go. Don’t wait, and don’t fool yourself. Breaking up can be highly distressful and typically warrants the help of a mental health provider.”
“Men tend to move on faster, but not always in a psychologically complete manner,” explains Klapow. “They often transform their sadness into something like irritation or anger and as a result ‘blame’ their ex for the problems and then move on to the next relationship. Many men do not take the time to examine why the break up happened, what was their role, how the experience has impacted them. Rather, they move on to the next relationship without deeper examination.”
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“Men and women both have a tendency to not want to process the pain, to learn from the relationship, to own up to what they contributed to the breakup,” says Klapow. “Rather they focus on ‘moving on’ by jumping back into the dating scene. Basically, they are trying to ease their sadness with the replacement and insertion of another person. This may work in the short run, but it keeps the person from learning what has happened and what can be done so that the next relationship is more successful. As a general rule, if you cannot explain to someone what happened that caused the breakup, what your role was in the demise of the relationship, what you learned, and what you are going to differently, then you haven’t processed the loss.”
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