Moving in together is seen as a significant step in any committed relationship — it allows the couple to learn more about each other, test their compatibility, and potentially grow even closer.
But it’s not for everyone.
Case in point: More and more people are opting to live separately from their spouses and partners. In fact, 3.89 million Americans are doing so, according to the U.S. Census Bureau.
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But can “living together apart” really work? Who can benefit from this kind of arrangement? And how can you bring up the possibility of trying this to your partner without hurting their feelings?
Here’s what couples therapists and relationship coaches have to say about this growing trend.
According to experts, there are numerous legitimate reasons why an increasing number of couples have decided to opt out of cohabiting.
“People are finally realizing that intimacy doesn’t have to mean 24/7 access,” says Cheryl Groskopf, a licensed marriage and family therapist at Evolution to Healing Psychotherapy.
Living with a partner just doesn’t work for everyone’s schedule, budget, or personality. For instance, Groskopf notes that one person in the relationship might be neurodivergent and need more alone time to regulate.
“And with rent prices and remote work changing how people live their lives at home, it can be easier than trying to force two different lifestyles to work under one roof,” Groskopf adds.
Tim Lagman, a board-certified sexology educator with Pjur, adds that living together apart can give couple the best of both words: intimacy combined with independence and privacy.
“We’re seeing more people who value personal space, mental health, and financial independence,” Lagman tells AskMen.
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Whereas cohabitation used to be the automatic next step, more and more couples are taking a thoughtful approach and asking themselves a key question first: Does our relationship health and satisfaction actually improve when we have our own separate living spaces?
The bottom line, says Kirsten Trammell — an associate marriage and family therapist and host of The Naked Connection podcast — is that more and more couples are moving away from the “one-size-fits-all” model.
“People are recognizing that traditional cohabitation isn’t inherently what makes a relationship successful,” she explains. “There’s a cultural shift happening where we’re questioning old relationship scripts and asking, ‘What actually serves us?’ rather than ‘What are we supposed to do?’”
Experts unanimously agree that living together apart can definitely work. It’s not for everyone, but in some cases it can even save a flailing relationship.
“Living together apart works best for couples who are emotionally secure, have good communication, and aren’t using distance to avoid conflict,” says Lagman.
Trammell says that in her experience and observations, living together apart works particularly well in these scenarios:
“The key is that both people genuinely want this arrangement and are using technology and intentional time together to stay connected, rather than using distance as a bandaid for avoiding deeper intimacy issues,” she adds.
According to Lagman and Groskopf, living together apart might also be a good fit if:
This approach “is not about avoiding each other, It’s actually about keeping the relationship healthy by protecting what helps you show up as your best self,” says Groskopf. “This type of intimacy is built on awareness, not just proximity.”
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When deciding whether or not living together apart is right for you, experts suggest considering these potential perks and pitfalls to this arrangement:
According to experts, here are some signs that you might want to delay (or even forgo) moving in together:
“Moving in should feel like a want, not a survival strategy,” says Groskopf. “If your nervous system is already waving red flags when you think about the prospect of living together, don’t ignore them just to follow an arbitrary timeline.”
So, what if you and your partner already moved in together — but you’re starting to think it might be in your best interests to go back to having separate living spaces? First of all, know that there’s nothing wrong with making this kind of move, even if it may feel like taking a step back.
“Some couples feel more excitement, emotional safety, and desire when they have breathing room,” says Groskopf. “Remember, it’s not a breakup, it’s a boundary. The challenge is navigating the shame or fear that you’re ‘doing it wrong,’ when in reality, you might be doing what finally works for you.”
To reduce the chances of unintentionally hurting your partner, experts say it’s important to bring this possibility up in a gentle way. The idea is to emphasize how this is going to strengthen your relationship.
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“A lot of people equate wanting space with wanting out,” explains Lagman. “The goal is to frame it as something that supports the relationship, not threatens it.
Trammell agrees that when you focus on how your motivation for living apart is enhancing the relationship rather than escaping it, that can make a big difference.
Here are some sample scripts experts suggest trying:
“And if it feels too scary to bring up alone, I highly recommend couples therapy,” says Groskopf. “A therapist can help make sure it’s not framed as a rejection, but as a strategy for support. It’s a vulnerable thing to say, and you don’t have to do it alone.”
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