Breaking up with someone — whether you were the one to initiate the breakup or not — can be one of the most emotionally taxing things to go through. The pain can be all-consuming and the longing to reach back out to your now ex-partner can feel overwhelming.
But going “no contact” and giving both you and your ex the space to breathe and grieve the relationship without relying on, or pressuring one another, might be the key to healing and making space for a healthier relationship in the future, whether that’s with your ex or someone totally new.
“Going no contact after a breakup is often one of the most effective ways to begin healing. When a relationship ends, emotions can remain raw and easily triggered,” explains Dr. Sanam Hafeez, New York-based neuropsychologist. “Staying in touch — whether through texts, social media, or casual check-ins, can keep those emotional wounds open and prevent someone from fully moving on.”
Creating distance helps stop the cycle of revisiting old feelings and rehashing past conversations and it gives your mind and body the chance to begin letting go.
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“Without texts, calls, or social media updates, you create a boundary that protects your emotional energy. It allows you to regain control of your thoughts and redirect your focus back to your own needs, your routines, and your sense of self,” adds Dr. Hafeez. “This distance helps rebuild clarity and reinforces that you’re no longer available for emotional back-and-forth that slows recovery.”
Keep in mind that it doesn’t matter whether you did the breaking up, or you were broken up with, ultimately, no contact isn’t an act of anger or punishment. Instead — it’s an intentional step toward peace. It sends a message — to both yourself and the other person — that your healing matters and that you’re ready to move forward.
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Here’s what to keep in mind if you plan to go “no contact” and why it works:
According to relationship expert and sociologist Emily Thompson, if you remain connected with an ex — by texting, casual follow-ups, or even following their social media stories — you’ll remain emotionally invested.
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“The brain does not get a chance to reboot, and we become caught in a pattern of hope, hurt, and confusion,” she explains.
“From a sociological perspective, no contact helps disrupt patterns of codependency or emotional enmeshment that may have developed during the relationship,” explains Thompson. “In modern dating culture, where digital access makes it easy to keep tabs on someone, no contact is a conscious decision to step away from the constant influx of emotional triggers.”
Thompson adds that she has seen people regain their self-esteem and clarity faster when they remove those triggers completely. For example, one client was scrolling through her ex’s Instagram stories every day — just to know what he was doing — and even though they weren’t communicating, that tiny habit had her stuck in heartbreak.
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“When she blocked him and closed down the app for a while, her emotional recovery sped up. She stopped obsessing and started investing that energy in herself,” she says.
Psychologically, no contact allows your nervous system to restart.
“After a breakup, especially a painful or traumatic one, your body is still in fight mode,” says Thompson. “Every time your ex calls or sends you something that might be from them, the stress response gets triggered again.”
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“No contact removes that stress trigger,” she adds. “It gives your mind and body the liberty to normalize. Over time, it helps one develop a more secure emotional sense of safety that does not depend upon the presence or acceptance of another person.”
“I recommend going no contact after a breakup to give yourself time and space to reflect on the relationship itself and see how you feel and what you want,” says dating and conscious relating coach Tori Morrison. “That’s in service to your greatest good and best life timeline.”
Morrison says that it’s easy to get caught up in emotions when going through a breakup, which can cloud your true feelings and what you desire long term.
“No contact allows you to self-reflect and determine if you want to continue the relationship and ask to get back together, take a break, or separate,” she explains.
For all of these changes in expectation, we need a little time (or a lot of time, if we’ve been together a while) to grieve that it’s gone, even when we know the relationship is best ended.
“With some no-contact space, we can learn how to (and who can) fill our needs now that our partner is gone,” explains Dr. Rosalyn Dischiavo, Founder/Director, Institute for Sex Education & Enlightenment (ISEE). “We need to recalibrate our expectations, and that is nearly impossible if we are still texting them all day, using them for errands or emergencies, or falling into bed with them on a regular basis.”
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The fact is, as Dr. Dischiavo points out, if all of these aspects of the relationship were working well for each party, you probably wouldn’t have broken up with them to begin with.
This means that if you don’t give it space, one of two things will happen: You’ll get back together with them, or you’ll keep bumping up against what wasn’t working, frustration will build, arguments often break out, and the chances of keeping a friendship alive will become slimmer.
“With a no contact rule, we give ourselves time to adjust and rip off the Band-Aid, allowing healing to take place more quickly,” says Dr. Dischiavo. “I recommend giving it a time limit related both to the length of the relationship and its intensity.”
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If it was a year or more, Dr. Dischiavo says that you may need several weeks or even months to reset your expectations and really feel the loss before you try to reconnect, if you decide to try. If it was a month or two, you can probably get over the grief and reformat your life in a couple of weeks.
“The wild card is the intensity. If we are still in love, it will take much longer than it may otherwise, even for a brief relationship,” explains Dr. Dischiavo. “Sadness over loss is different than true heartbreak, and it’s important to acknowledge this.”
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