It goes a little something like this. You ask an innocent question, make a lighthearted joke, or even gently critique the way your partner did something — and the next thing you know, they’re raising their voice, crying, or on the defensive. What gives?
Across the board, therapists agree that it’s never helpful to tell your partner to “calm down,” accuse them of being too sensitive or dramatic, or otherwise imply that they’re overreacting.
For one, these types of invalidating responses are only likely to escalate the situation further. Rachel Sims, LPC, relationship and dating expert at Seeking.com and author of Are You Love Smart or Love Stupid?, says that’s especially true if they grew up in a household where their feelings were dismissed or downplayed.
But it’s also important to keep in mind that there’s almost always a deeper reason — often stemming from trauma or painful experiences — for the way they’re reacting.
For example, asking your partner why they left dishes in the sink may have seemed harmless to you — but if a parent figure frequently screamed at them for these types of missteps growing up, it’s can feel like an attack.
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“If it’s hysterical, it’s historical,” says Rabbi Shlomo Slatkin, a licensed clinical professional counselor, certified Imago Relationship Therapist, and cofounder of The Marriage Restoration Project. “Any reaction which is disproportionate is a good indicator that you are triggering something from the past. This is often a childhood wound or unmet need.”
So, what’s the best thing you can do in these situations?
According to experts, it’s to approach the situation with calm curiosity. Here’s what they recommend.
First things first: Don’t try to fix anything. Just focus on recognizing and validating your partner’s feelings — even if you don’t understand them just yet.
Amy Morin, LCSW, a psychotherapist and author of 13 Things Mentally Strong Couples Don’t Do, recommends saying something along the lines of, “I can see that my comment really upset you.”
You can also apologize for hurting their feelings, or for saying something that struck a nerve.
“You don’t necessarily need to agree with their feelings to acknowledge that they feel a certain way,” Morin explains.
Ultimately, experts say the most important thing you can do here is just focus on hearing what your partner is saying.
“In challenging moments like these, focusing on active listening and empathy is essential,” says Sims. “Encourage your partner to share their perspective, and express your own feelings without blame.”
There’s no use trying to have a calm and productive discussion if your partner is still emotionally fired up.
“When your partner’s amygdala is activated in the brain, which is the emotional center — the prefrontal cortex, the logic, problem-solving, open to feedback, part of the brain is offline,” explains Jackie Golob, sex therapist and founder of Shameless Therapy & Consulting Services, LLC. “If you try to respond or fix what happened right away, it’s only going to get worse before it gets better.”
Instead, Golob recommends looking for cues that your partner is ready and able to talk about what happened.
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For instance, you might notice that your partner’s tone of voice has shifted or volume has decreased, their breathing has returned to normal, their posture looks more relaxed, or they’ve stopped pacing around the room.
Leading with curiosity shows your partner that you care about their emotional world.
“By showing genuine interest in understanding their perspective, you create a space for open communication and emotional connection,” explains Sims.
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Here are some questions that Sims recommends asking:
These types of questions encourage self-reflection and invite your partner to share potentially helpful information about the “why” behind their response.
These questions focus more on ways to find closure in this interaction, and cultivate a sense of collaboration or teamwork in resolving it.
Finally, these questions are framed around learning from the experience and improving your communication abilities.
“Using a combination of these questions can contribute to a more open and empathetic communication style, paving the way for constructive conflict resolution and a deeper connection,” adds Sims.
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