While coming out can be a cathartic experience, for many, it also comes with some added anxiety and fear about how other people will react. And if you’re already married, that conversation gets even more complicated.
The reality is, though, that there’s no one-size-fits-all age as to when you should come out, so if you find yourself in a situation where you’re discovering your true sexuality after already saying “I do,” you’re not alone. In fact, according to a 1993 nationwide survey, approximately 20% of gay men in the U.S. marry a woman at some point in their lives. The good news? Support for same-sex couples is at an all-time high and seems to be continually trending in the right direction. In other words, there’s never been a better time to live your truth.
“While this can be complicated and challenging it is not impossible to work through,” says Dr. Laura McGuire, certified sexual health and sexuality educator, and full-time consultant for The National Center for Equity and Agency. “Finding a new version of a healthy and happy relationship for you both is absolutely possible.”
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Maybe you had an inkling that you weren’t straight before you were married, but simply hadn’t allowed yourself to pursue those feelings out of fear. Maybe you hadn’t yet accepted your sexuality yourself when you tied the knot, which is why you had a hard time believing anyone else would accept it. Maybe you felt pressure from your family or society to have a heterosexual marriage, and you gave into that before you could really explore your own desires.
Regardless of why you’ve been keeping this part of your identity under wraps, it’s important to know that lots of other men have found themselves in your position — and they not only survived opening up about their sexuality, but in many cases, thrived because of it.
Here’s what a handful of men on Reddit had to say about the experience of coming out to their spouses.
“Bringing up everything all at once can feel blindsiding for the partner and overwhelming for you both,” explains McGuire. “In most situations building up to a life-changing discussion is best as it allows everyone involved time to think, adjust, and reflect. Testing the waters can give the disclosing partner a sense of where the larger conversation may go and time to emotionally prepare accordingly. It also gives the partner who is being disclosed to space to get used to the topic at hand and have a foreshadowing of where the discussion may be progressing.”
“I find that more times than not, the wife/girlfriend is more open and accepting than the male partner expected, so keep in mind to prepare for the worst but sincerely hope for the best as it is not unlikely,” notes McGuire.
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“Therapy is essential before, during, and after coming out to a spouse” explains McGuire. “Having a qualified and impartial professional who can help you each navigate your feelings around coming out will allow everyone a safe and healthy way to process any concerns or questions they have and find a path forward.”
“Having painful emotions around a spouse coming out is common and understandable; this information can feel confusing, unforeseen and may bring up fears of what the future holds,” explains McGuire. “It is all the more reason to have a therapist you both trust and feel comfortable talking to throughout the process. The therapist can hold space for all the hard and painful emotions that may arise and help everyone work through them without causing further damage to the relationship.”
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