Sometimes in a relationship, you’re not sure how to phrase a delicate subject or tricky topic. Sure, saying nothing at all is easy, but avoiding the subject doesn’t do anyone any good. Awkward Conversations provides you with a template for what to say — and what not to say — and why, so you can have those difficult discussions without them turning into full-blown fights.
So, you’re still friends with your ex. Great! Congratulations on being the type of mature adult who can pull that off. Just know that it’s likely to threaten all future relationships you get into. Dating a man who is still close with his ex is high on every girl’s list of nightmares.
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If your girlfriend is stressing about the fact that you still have your ex on speed dial, don’t panic. It’s perfectly natural, and there are some simple ways you can relieve her anxiety! Below, we provide you with some tips on what to do (and what you should never do) to ensure all parties feel comfortable. It might take a little extra work, but it’s necessary to keep both relationships healthy and happy.
Getting mad is the worst possible way you could handle the situation. For starters, it’ll only confirm her worst fears if you go on the defensive about your ex. That’s how guilty people act! So cut it out, and try to put yourself in her place for a minute. How would you feel if she hung out with her ex all the time (that guy who people often mistake for a Hemsworth brother)? Not great, Bob!
So don’t freak out on her. Being friends with an ex is a bit of an unusual situation, and it’s OK for her to point that out, or to feel worried at first. Acknowledge her feelings, and she’ll appreciate you for the thoughtful boyfriend you are.
You do need to explain why your ex-girlfriend is not a threat to your current relationship. Don’t say airily “Oh, we’re just friends now” and leave it at that. Your girlfriend is likely feeling insecure and wondering if anything stands in the way of you guys hooking up again. You need to reassure her so that she isn’t worried about you two getting drunk together — or wondering what if. Take the time to explain and dismantle her fears.
Your current girlfriend will almost certainly be wondering how she measures up to your ex — or how your relationship compares to your previous ones. If you compare the two, or suggest that your ex-girlfriend might have been a better fit for you, you’re basically sabotaging her self-esteem! Now she’ll think that you still pine over your ex. Don’t ever give her reason to feel inadequate: be careful what language you use when you talk about your ex! Over time, your girlfriend will chill out and be much more relaxed — as long as you don’t talk fondly about your relationship up front.
This kind of sentence is the set-up for a horror movie! Hopefully, this sort of situation (where they’re pitted against each other) will never materialize, but if it does, you should be prepared. Your girlfriend should never feel like she is second-best, or as if she needs to compete for your affection. Both women have their own place in your lives: don’t confuse the two roles.
If you have plans with your ex that conflict with your girlfriend’s schedule — you should prioritize your girlfriend, always. Don’t be careless about this: remember it has the potential to create underlying doubt in your girlfriend’s mind.
You may be on friendly terms with your ex, but that doesn’t mean she’s just the same as your other friends! For instance, you should never vent about your relationship to her. That’s extremely inappropriate, and makes for an unhealthy dynamic. Always be mindful of your relationship history in these situations.
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Do the work of being accountable — ask your girlfriend what would make her feel comfortable. Say “I know you might have some concerns: what can I do to get rid of them?” It might seem annoying to set rules right now, but they will save you much trouble later. For instance, if you and your girlfriend agree that there won’t be any sleepovers at your ex’s house, you’re much less likely to mess up and get into a huge argument later on.
The best way to get your girlfriend to like your ex? Plan an activity that you can all do together! This might seem like a scary prospect at first, but it’s good to de-mystify your ex. Go eat tacos together, or see a movie: Whatever it is, make sure they have some time to chat and get to know each other. Who knows, they might have loads in common (and even hang out without you from now on!) Good luck.
