Ever found yourself bringing up an old conflict with your partner long after they thought it had been resolved?
Or tried to make amends with your partner, only to find out later they never got over it?
Both of these scenarios come down to one all-too-common issue: You may not understand each other’s apology languages.
The term “apology languages” was coined by counselor Gary Chapman and clinical psychologist Jennifer Thomas, who co-wrote a book together on the subject. According to Chapman and Thomas, there are five different ways to apologize — and knowing which one you and your partner prefers can go a long way in ensuring that you can move on and repair arguments more easily and effectively.
According to Lisa Chen, a licensed couples therapist in private practice, we’re all wired to receive reassurance in different ways — which may be rooted in how we observed our caregivers repairing during childhood.
“People are wired to receive reassurance in specific ways, just like we have different love languages,” she explains. “And if a partner fails to apologize in the way we prefer it, it doesn’t feel like a true apology.
By the way — knowing your own apology style is just as important as knowing your partner’s, says Sharon Yu, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Therapy on Fig.
This information empowers you to better express what you need after there’s a conflict. You may also find that you or your partner values more than one apology language — and which one is most effective may depend on the type of hurt and how it happened, according to Jennine Estes Powell, a licensed therapist and owner at Estes Therapy.
So, what are the five apology languages in relationships? Here’s what to know about each — and how to put them into practice.
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Saying you’re sorry is the most straightforward type of apology, says Chen. But let’s be clear about one thing: “I’m sorry” alone usually isn’t going to cut it.
Someone with this apology language often wants to hear specifics about what their partner regrets — whether it’s using unkind words, ignoring their request, or neglecting to follow through on a promise.
According to Chen, this might sound like: “I’m really sorry I cut you off. I can see how much that upset you.”“When we can share the heartfelt sadness we have for causing pain, this shows remorse without going into a shame-spiral type of regret,” adds Powell.
Remember: focus on your partner’s feelings rather than explaining or justifying your behavior.
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“An apology with defensiveness or with no emotion backing it up ends up being empty and ineffective,” adds Powell.
“Comfort comes from accountability with this apology language,” says Yu. “Someone who values this wants the other person to own their actions without excuses.”
According to Yu, the goal here is to acknowledge what you did wrong — for example, “I was wrong to interrupt you,” “I should have let you know earlier that I couldn’t make your dinner party,” or “It’s my fault that this conversation escalated — I wish I had taken a minute to calm down.”
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“Taking ownership of your actions helps with rebuilding trust,” explains Powell.
Sometimes, actions really do speak louder than words.
“A person with this apology language may feel comforted when they see their partner taking a concrete step, like correcting a mistake, or stepping in to relieve a burden,” explains Yu.
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Here are some examples of this, according to Powell.
When in doubt, Chen advises just asking your partner how you can make it up to them.
This apology language involves asking permission to reconnect, and according to Chen, it shows humility and respect,” explains Yu.
Keep in mind, though, that the request should not be rushed, says Yu.
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“The goal is to open connections, not pressure someone into saying yes,” she tells AskMen.
Give them room to process their emotions and let you know when they’re ready to move past the incident.
Amber Monroe, a licensed marriage and family therapist and founder of Healing Balance Therapy, suggests asking, “Will you forgive me when you’re ready?”
“This shows how much you care about the relationship without forcing a particular timeline on your partner’s forgiveness,” she explains.
Finally, while the other apology languages may focus more on the past hurt or present feelings, this one emphasizes the future.
Basically, the idea here is to show your partner that you’re serious about making a positive change, and preventing this same situation from happening in the future.
“A helpful apology might be, ‘I want to work on this and here’s what I’ll try differently next time,’” says Yu.
While expressing your plan, make it a point to be as specific as possible — vague or ambiguous promises won’t get you very far, according to Chen.
For example: “I’ve set up this shared calendar so you will know my schedule ahead of time,” will likely land a lot better than “I won’t keep you in the dark about work obligations ever again.”
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